I haven't been blogging very much for two reasons: first, my old computer (from 2006!) was on the verge of Ultimate Death, and second, I wasn't sure what to say. My life has gotten extremely interesting, but I have felt weird talking about how very interesting it has gotten.
BUT I just got a new computer, and I am happy to report that it is fantastic. Shiny, chrome, MacBook Pro. I love it. Many thanks to my family and my dad in particular! It was a (late) Christmas present. (I decided I didn't want a new computer until my old one had completely died.)
So now I will have to blog more, as I feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts with the world. It's hard to know what to say when I don't want to be involved in Controversy. Ugh. I'm so over that. Arguments just make me roll my eyes. Judgements of all types, I just hate them now. Even though I still make them. Ugh.
It's funny because one of my favorite things to do in the past was rail about various politicians that are destroying the country. Yes, I still believe they are destroying the country. But nowadays, I don't feel anger with them as much as I just feel sadness and an aversion to assuming that I know their hearts. For all we know, they have America's best interests at heart.
Okay, I honestly do not believe they do, but I also honestly am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to assume the best of people. I never wanted to do that before--at least not so thoroughly--but these days, I really do. I learned that expecting or believing the negative about others is really just a drain on me. And it hurts them too, even if I never say my negative thoughts out loud. Even if I never act on them.
One of my many recent life changes has involved a heightened sensitivity to all sorts of things. I've always been sensitive to weird things, vibrations outside the typical human range--I can hear certain animal whistles, as an example, and my hands react badly to the radiation involved with laptops and cell phones--but now it's gotten pretty intense. The other day, I was just minding my own business, and I had this horrible feeling come over me, and a very clear understanding enter my mind that someone out there in this world was thinking something specifically negative about specifically me. And that knowledge, and the sensation of that negative thought... they just irritated me.
Not in the sense of, "UGH I'M SO IRRITATED ABOUT THIS," but in the sense of like touching a dairy product irritates my son's skin. Like an allergen irritates. Like wearing burlap would irritate.
That negative thought buzzing around me courtesy of someone else was like wearing spiritual burlap. It almost hurt, in this weird spiritual way. And when I realized this, I realized: I never want to make someone else feel like this. This is so uncomfortable.
I don't know what the negative thought was or who was thinking it, but I do know that I'm grateful to them for it. It taught me a valuable lesson. I am just barely beginning to understand the power of repentance and forgiveness when it comes to our spirits and our bodies. But it is becoming increasingly clear to me that thoughts literally are things, and they actually physically affect people.
I began to wonder if some of my past low points in life were due in part to other people's negative thoughts about me, and I just didn't realize it. Of course, at the two times I am thinking of, I knew that other people involved in my life weren't happy with me, and I wasn't happy with them either. A lot of it was my fault. I figured I was just upset because I was in a lame situation. But now I wonder if part of my being upset was that being upset is the natural consequence of wearing the spiritual burlap associated with other people's negative thoughts about you. Does that even make sense? I don't know. I'm still feeling my way through this. My mind is being opened up to so many possibilities I had never even considered prior to my recent increase in sensitivity.
Here's the long and short of it: I don't want to judge anyone anymore. I don't want to pretend I know their thoughts. I don't want to pretend I'm better than anyone. I'm not. I am not, I am not, I am not.
It's kind of like learning a new skill. Once you get all right at it, you think: man! I'm so good at this!
And then you get better, and you start realizing how good people can be, and then you're like: holy cow, I am so not even that good. I am not even mediocre.
And then you develop an inferiority complex. Hopefully not! But I know for me, I once upon a hilarious time thought I was good at piano and music, and now I know the truth, which is, yeah right. At the very most, I am basically okay. Maybe a decent intermediate with some potential for improvement. But in a world that produced Mozart, I think it takes a lot for someone to think they're good at music, when it really comes down to it. Realizing the vastness of the scales involved in universal measurement makes a person realize that their own range is really not that impressive.
The point is, I know in my own life I used to think I was better than other people. Not all other people, by any means, but you know how it goes. I suspect this is an inborn trait in people. It's because we only see things from our own perspectives and it is easy to form uninformed opinions about people and stick to them.
Nowadays, I just realize so clearly how much I have absolutely no, no, no business judging anybody. NO BUSINESS. I know it. I'm not always 100% great at implementing my new non-judgment, but I'm trying. It's been a habit of mine to mindlessly jump in and start judging things, I guess as a form of twisted entertainment. But I'm over it. Since it's what people expect of me, particularly when it comes to political things, I sometimes find myself dragged into it still, but really, I'm over it. Psychologically, I am just not interested in participating in that anymore. To the extent that I do it now, it's largely because of social pressures.
Kind of like my weird new sensitivities to bizarre stimuli. Five years ago, I would never have believed in this kind of weird stuff. Well, maybe I would. I've always been kind of bizarre. Remember that I can hear deer whistles and stuff. I can hear the sound of an electronic merely being on, from a floor away and across the house. Whatever. But these days, I find myself becoming extremely open-minded to the possibilities involved with the workings of the human entity.
Let's put it this way: if you had experienced what I have experienced in the past three months... oh man. You would probably have a very open concept of human consciousness and human potential. The many things I have learned since this time last year have been humbling.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio...