Friday, May 23, 2014

I had a heart transplant.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

The past year was a year of major transformation for me. My brother died, but that was only part of it. In the months leading up to his death, my personal research led me to some uncomfortable scientific information that really challenged how I thought about myself and where I fit in--where I fit in with my family, my church, my community, my country. I struggled.

Every time I went to the temple about it, I was taught, but I didn't like the answers I got. I'd open the scriptures and every single time, I'd open up to a verse about this particular topic. One particularly memorable time, I kept asking God questions about each scripture, and He would tell me which scripture to turn to next to get my answer. He and I had a 20-minute lesson this way and I left feeling broken but that obviously everything I was learning was true.

This whole ordeal turned me into an utter mess. From about October 2013 to January 2014, I wept about this issue just about every day. My husband would walk in and ask me what was wrong this time, and I'd just have to say, eh, it's the same thing. And I would cry and cry.

Finally, in late December, I had an epiphany. I realized: hey. God is perfect. He knows everything. He loves me more than anything. He doesn't make mistakes and if this is His doctrine, it must be the wisest, truest, kindest thing and it must be the thing that has the most power to make humanity happy.

This doctrine, since it is God's doctrine, must have the power to make me happy.

I had this realization while I was crying on my floor again. (Did I mention I was a huge mess?) But right there I just prayed, prayed for God to please remove my old yucky heart that was full of pride and enmity, and replace it with one that just loved the truth instead.

And He did.

From here.
And now I can tell you, I have a testimony of that doctrine and those scientific findings, and I find a lot of peace in that.

God gave me a heart transplant.

And I can tell you that my new heart has come with a lot of good things. Is it perfect? Hardly. But it is more perfect than my last one was. I believe my current heart is as perfect as I am ready for it to be. At least now I don't find myself in the awkward position of fighting against God when I know that anyone who fights against Him will lose.

I was praying and pondering about this other day and felt that I could really trade this heart in for a better one at any time. I guess this is how the sacrament works, when you get down to it. Every week we have the chance to trade in our old yucky hearts for new ones. Truly, every day we get the chance to make the trade, but I believe it's through the sacrament that the change sticks, or is ratified somehow.

I'm sure we all get new hearts from time to time, it's just that for me, I noticed it immediately when it happened because I had just asked for it to happen moments before, and then felt the change.

But our hearts are always changing.

Hopefully for the better.

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